Punishment or Reward?

One thing I am not understanding through this chapter in my life, is how God or whoever, can put someone in your life who is absolutely perfect for you, but you cannot have. He is every single thing you have been looking for and more. He treats you how you have longed to be treated your whole life. He knows you better than you know yourself. He IS your soul mate in every sense of the word. God or fate or whoever it was, put him in your path, you have him, but at the same time he is just out of reach. How do you deal with that? How is this scenario resolved? You have tried to walk away. He has tried to walk away. Neither can be done. You have both faced the inevitable; you are in each other’s lives for a very long time. Be it as friends, as lovers, maybe both; you are both there for the long haul. I just do not understand the almost cruel twist of fate of bringing the two of you together. Would it be better if the two of you had never met? Should you still sit there and wish for an imaginary guy? Or is it better this person, your ideal in every way, your imaginary guy, your best friend and then some, was put into your path, BUT he cannot be yours? He belongs to someone else, and because he is who he is, he will not and cannot leave. He would not be who you thought he was if he did leave. Is this a punishment for something I did? Or is this a reward to have him in my life? I am not sure. I know my life is better for knowing him. To know someone that knows you inside and out, can hold you in the highest regard and not only treat you with the utmost respect, but look at you and you know, unequivocally, he sees into your soul. Is having him in your life, but not yours, he belongs to someone else, is it punishment or reward? So much time has gone by, and too much history has now happened to walk away. I would almost say it is a reward to have him here, but at the same time it is torturous for me. Every man I meet I compare to him, none measure up. I try to fill the emptiness I feel when he is not with me, by giving myself up to someone else, albeit temporarily, to feel a connection. It only works for a short moment. As time has gone on, the moment has become shorter and shorter. The longing, the pain, the yearning comes rushing back, quicker than ever. What do I do? Do I REALLY move on? I do not want to, as I do not want to settle? Do I continue to take what I have, a phenomenal friendship, a phenomenal lover, and an emotional connection to my soul albeit is only one way? I do not know. I want it all; I want all of that and I want the person to be mine. I want what I consider the “brass ring”. What are the possibilities that 2 of these people exist? I am sure I know the answer to that, but I am going to pretend I do not….