Punishment or Reward?

One thing I am not understanding through this chapter in my life, is how God or whoever, can put someone in your life who is absolutely perfect for you, but you cannot have. He is every single thing you have been looking for and more. He treats you how you have longed to be treated your whole life. He knows you better than you know yourself. He IS your soul mate in every sense of the word. God or fate or whoever it was, put him in your path, you have him, but at the same time he is just out of reach. How do you deal with that? How is this scenario resolved? You have tried to walk away. He has tried to walk away. Neither can be done. You have both faced the inevitable; you are in each other’s lives for a very long time. Be it as friends, as lovers, maybe both; you are both there for the long haul. I just do not understand the almost cruel twist of fate of bringing the two of you together. Would it be better if the two of you had never met? Should you still sit there and wish for an imaginary guy? Or is it better this person, your ideal in every way, your imaginary guy, your best friend and then some, was put into your path, BUT he cannot be yours? He belongs to someone else, and because he is who he is, he will not and cannot leave. He would not be who you thought he was if he did leave. Is this a punishment for something I did? Or is this a reward to have him in my life? I am not sure. I know my life is better for knowing him. To know someone that knows you inside and out, can hold you in the highest regard and not only treat you with the utmost respect, but look at you and you know, unequivocally, he sees into your soul. Is having him in your life, but not yours, he belongs to someone else, is it punishment or reward? So much time has gone by, and too much history has now happened to walk away. I would almost say it is a reward to have him here, but at the same time it is torturous for me. Every man I meet I compare to him, none measure up. I try to fill the emptiness I feel when he is not with me, by giving myself up to someone else, albeit temporarily, to feel a connection. It only works for a short moment. As time has gone on, the moment has become shorter and shorter. The longing, the pain, the yearning comes rushing back, quicker than ever. What do I do? Do I REALLY move on? I do not want to, as I do not want to settle? Do I continue to take what I have, a phenomenal friendship, a phenomenal lover, and an emotional connection to my soul albeit is only one way? I do not know. I want it all; I want all of that and I want the person to be mine. I want what I consider the “brass ring”. What are the possibilities that 2 of these people exist? I am sure I know the answer to that, but I am going to pretend I do not….

Safe Place

Another day inside my world
I'm married to you and this road
A road that never let's me sleep
There's no way to escape these demons I am forced to keep

And then I'll find you here
Through your eyes
Everything's clear
And I'm home
Inside your arms
But I'm alone for now

I mean the best with what I say
It doesn't always sound that way
I never learn to work things out
Cause in my family all we ever seem to do is shout

And then I find you here
Through your eyes
Everythings clear
And I'm home
Inside your arms
But I'm alone for now, alone for now

And I try to sleep
The drugs I take are killin me
I think of you to ease my pain
But your so far

Now it's time to say goodbye
I love you baby please don't cry

And then I'll find you here
Through your eyes
Everythings clear
And I'm home
Inside your arms
But I'm along for now, alone for now

Amazed

I am in constant amazement of this man and how he treats me, respects me, has insight into me, and pushes me to be better. I did not know a person could want you to be the best “you” possible, and be there along the way to get you there. Not only be there, but be supportive in the most constructive and kind way possible. I have had people push me, but when pushed it is usually not in a positive way. In reality it was really me pushing myself out of the negativity I had found myself in; me supporting myself. Not this time, not only does he see me for who I really am, he sees my potential. He then shows me what that potential is and how I can get there if I want to. It is crazy, he sees who I WANT to be, and I have never told him or anyone who/what that is. He shows me how to change things I dislike about myself in a quiet, clam, and kind way. This is really funny because, number one, I am neither quiet nor calm, and number two, that is the only way I would ever respond to someone showing/asking me to change something about myself, without yelling at them and disregarding their request. When he has a suggestion, I truly listen, as he is wise and intelligent beyond his years. He is like no one I have ever known.

Constant Struggle

The decision whether to continue the relationship is a constant struggle for me and I believe for him also. There are so many factors that affect both of us. Guilt, availability, how will it end, fairness, are some factors we both discuss. But, our relationship is so fulfilling on many levels, the positives are out weighing the negatives right now. Is it the most ideal situation? Absolutely not. Neither of us saw this coming. We were both blindsided and shocked at the relationship that has developed. We were both looking for the same thing, and this was not remotely it. However, I believe life puts things in front of you for a reason. Not that this was destiny, mind you, but there is a reason. Neither of us have figured it out yet.

Abandonded

Abandoned? Did he abandon me in a great time of need? Was I delusional to think he could actually be a support, a true friend. What is he supposed to do? Leave his family to come rescue me, hardly? But on some plane I thought he would, he could.

If I am going to be in this relationship, this friendship, I need to stay grounded in reality. There are severe limitations put forth by our situation. I have to remember what those limitations are. I cannot get upset in a time of need because he is not available to me. I knew that going in. I either need to accept it or walk away, since I am not willing to walk away, accpet it I must.

HIM

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to date yourself, or maybe a slightly different version of yourself? I had thought about it and I thought it would be one of the most miserable experiences of my life; I was wrong.

At the time we were both married, my marriage was very close to the end, I knew that. His was unfulfilling at the time. I him met him kind of by accident, on a Wednesday. I actually responded to a personal ad online, how silly is that? We began with a couple emails and decided to chat with each other. It was a slow go at first, as he is a very cautious individual, we would email and we would chat a little the first couple days. We actually made plans to meet for coffee that Monday. I had sent him a couple flirty emails over the weekend, as I knew he was out of town. Late Sunday night, he sent me an email stating he couldn't meet me as he had a last minute meeting out of town. I was a little upset as I thought he was just blowing me off. I emailed him and said, if you are having second thoughts just let me know and we can cancel the whole thing. He said he didn't want to cancel and he would try to explain his schedule when we met. We chatted through IM the next couple days, and really got to know each other. Each of us sat there working with our chat windows open the whole work day, it was like we were sitting next to each other doing our work. Our personalities were so similar, yet we were raised completely differently. Different cultures, different religion, in a way different core values. Although, the more time we spent together, the more it became evident we had the same train of thought, the same step by step conclusions, many of the same values. There was an instant comfort factor. I felt like I knew him for a very long time. He acted the same way towards me.

The lunch date came, I was so nervous, and I could not figure out why. It was so odd because I felt like I knew him forever, yet I was seeing him face-to-face for the first time. I wondered if this was how people with pen pals in the 19th century felt if they ever got to meet each other. We talked right up until both of us had to leave. I got to the parking lot first; I could not believe how nervous I was. I am a pretty self-confident, self-assured woman, nervousness was not normal to me. What was it about his guy that was actually making me nervous? We ate lunch, and I was so nervous I couldn't eat, or even make eye contact. He commented about the eye contact, and I said believe it or not I can become extremely shy, and when I get that way I do not make eye contact. He was a little disturbed by this, but we continued to talk and eat. After we were done with lunch we went back to our chatting. It really did disturb him that I had a hard time making eye contact with him. I tried to assure him it did not have anything to do with not trusting him; it actually had to do with the fact that I really liked him.

We spent a lot of time with each other on-line and some time together face-to-face. The more time I spent with him, the more I realized how similar we are. We have the same thought patterns; let me explain that. Imagine you had to solve a puzzle and there are 100 pieces you could choose from. Many people start with the edges, some people start with the same colors or patterns, some people just start trying to put the pieces together. Now imagine you met someone that had to put the puzzle together with you. Every piece you went to grab, they were also trying to grab. If you decided to get a drink of water, they were also getting a drink of water. If there is a problem to be solved, you both come to the same conclusion. It is a really freaky and comforting situation at the same time. We began spending more time together on-line and we would see each other on a semi-regular basis.

The more time we spent together, the more it became evident how much we were a like. I would begin to ask him a question and then say never mind, I already know the answer. He would say, "No you don't, what is it?" I would proceed to tell him what I thought his answer would be; 99% of the time I was correct. He could do the same thing to me. One time, we were meeting at the movies. I am perpetually early. We were supposed to meet at quarter after the hour. At 25 after the hour I was waiting in front of the theater, basically pacing. No phone call, no text, no car, what the hell happened? I was basically starting to panic, as is my normal behavior. All of a sudden I saw his car pull in. I began walking towards him, the first thing out of his mouth was, “I called you 3 times and it went straight to voicemail." He showed me his pone and my number was on it 3 times. He said, I know what you were thinking, you were thinking I totally ditched you, and I was blowing you off. I said, "No, I wasn't thinking that." He said, “Yes you were, I know how you are.”He was right; I totally thought he was blowing me off. So far our whole relationship has been like that. Each of us says, "Scary" to each other because it feels like we can read each other's minds.